Malachi is not the lucky one, we are.

What would parenting a child with a missing arm look like? 

How treatable would his clubfoot be? 

Were we prepared for any other conditions that came with the already known needs of this little boy? 

These questions and the sub questions that followed them laid at the forefront of our minds and conversation all night long. 

We researched. We prayed. We talked. We agreed that we would not review his file unless we were prepared to say yes. 

We “slept” 

The next morning my heart raced as I knew It was decision day. I will never forget standing in our bathroom when Lee walked in and said with complete confidence,

“We need to review his file.” 

My heart stopped. If I could have sobbed right then I would have. The same man who sat beside me on the edge of the bed the night before with a slight look of shock on his face when our coordinator said, “his arm is completely missing” was the same man standing before me after spending time with Jesus saying “this is the way, let’s walk in It.” The Holy Spirit is so very real and able to lead you in all aspects of life! 

We left home, rode downtown to complete our fingerprints and then got in the truck to head to the church for our mission trip. During that 25 minute drive we made one of the biggest phone calls of our entire life. 

We called our coordinator and said, “we want to review this little guy’s file.” 

She began telling us his story and all the info his file contained. 

Adoption can be beautiful, but It is so important for people to understand that adoption always begins with brokenness and loss. Our son’s story is no exception to that and we will never take that lightly. Someone else’s pain has become our joy and that is not lost on us. Not for one second! 

This quote is so true:

“A child born to another woman calls me Mom. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.” Jody Landers

Malachi is not the lucky one, we are. 

Continuation of “The Call”

Silence filled the air as Lee and I sat on the edge of the bed after we hung up the phone with E. 

The phone call we had been waiting on for almost 6 years had finally happened. Only It was slightly different than we had ever envisioned. 

The clash of emotions that began whirling inside of me was confusing at best. 

Intense FEAR sat beside overwhelming JOY. 

DOUBT held hands with CONFIDENCE. 

WONDER led to CURIOSITY who filled my heart with EXCITEMENT. 

Only to have FEAR come rushing in again like a wave that crushed everything in front of It. 

We smiled sheepish smiles at each other and agreed to talk later once the kids were in bed. 

“Why is he smiling at me like that?” I remember thinking while changing the baby’s diaper. Lee had exchanged one of those smiles that obviously had a million thoughts and emotions racing behind It. 

“What is he thinking?” 

“Does he want to review the file?” 

One of the longest waits was getting everyone to bed (including my mom :-) ) so that we could talk! 

During the 2+ hours between the phone call and us finally having time to talk again, God spoke some things to me. 

1. He reminded me that “just because something (in this case, the phone call) doesn’t turn out exactly how I expected it to doesn’t mean It isn’t from God. In fact, my expectations are wrong... often.” 
2. I’m female. I’m full of emotions. When my emotions are high It is difficult for me to make a rational decision. 

I knew that Lee needed to make the decision on whether or not to review this little boy’s file. So during one of our passing moments before bedtime I looked at him and said, “I trust you. I completely trust you. I know that my emotions are way too high and I cannot be trusted to make a good decision, but you can. So we will do whatever you say to do.” 

He confidently replied, “okay.” 

He knew I was being honest. And I knew he would follow Jesus. 

What happened next is such a sweet memory that will be embedded into my mind for a long time. Jesus sweetly invited us to trust Him and to journey with Him. I watched my husband begin walking in a direction that was completely unconventional, yet exactly the path Jesus was calling him to. It was a path that He was calling our family down. A path that led to a very special little boy and I almost cry when I think “we could have missed this.” 

But we didn’t!! 

And OH I am so thankful we did not.