Miller has learned how to talk. He is quickly learning the language and surprises us daily with new words. It's fun. Just the other day, he pointed to a newly bought bag of Cheetos, spit out his pacifier, and said "cheeto!" Of course, I gave him one. He ate it, then pointed again and said "cheeto." I gave him another. This cycle repeated itself MULTIPLE times over the next 20 minutes. And finally, I looked at him and said "no" when he asked. He looked at me like "Excuse me... what did you say?" As reality sank in, he gave me that sad look like "why??" Then... his face started turning red, his bottom lip folded over his chin, a tear fell down his cheek, and he began to wail! Stomped his feet. Swatted his orange hands. Fell on the floor. And cried.
I kneeled down, not saying a word but smiling.
He ran from me. I stayed right where I was. A few seconds later, still crying, he poked his head around the corner and with his lip still folded over his chin... He ran to me saying "maaaa maaaa." I hugged him and he sat in my lap on the kitchen floor. We just sat. He cried. I kissed. Then, interestingly, he started smiling. Started laughing. Wanted to play. I cleaned him up (orange cheeto everywhere). I cleaned all the places he had touched and swept the crumbs he had left. Life was good again.
Soon after I became pregnant with Miller, I went part time at work. God waS very specific with me years ago about making an effort to be at home more than work. I never knew if that would be a possibility, but when the opportunity presented itself - I took it! Needless to say, our lifestyle changed drastically with me going part time, adding a baby, and a new house. It was (is) hard. Don't get me wrong, we live in such luxury compared to a majority of the world. We still have cable, Internet, a beautiful home, Etc. I will not say that we are "poor" but I will choose the words "on a budget" to better explain.
When we first began our "on a budget" journey, it was EXTREMELY hard. We never went without needs, but we definitely have gone without many of our "wants." Prior to this past 1&1/2 years, I would have argued that I didn't necessarily "love" the world and all it's stuff. But up until now... I was never denied anything that was within reason.
I am denied things that appear to be "within reason." I am denied luxuries." I am denied things that you wouldn't consider "luxuries" such as random food items that aren't on my specific grocery list. No random shopping. No extras.
Just two days ago, I texted Lee in all seriousness and said "I bought two luxury items at the grocery today. A 5$ candle and a 5$ travel mug." In his sweetness, he replied "yay!" One gift was for me and the other for him! We were truly thankful. However, we haven't always had a grateful posture. As a matter of fact- we were far from grateful in the beginning! We were angry!! Sounds silly huh?
It was hard. For the first time in our lives we were denied the things of this world, and we realized just how much we LOVE this world. We LOVE comfort. We LOVE Security. We LOVE to shop and to buy the things our eyes see. We covet and are envious. We want more, more, more. The lust of our eyes was revealed to us when we were denied things we wanted. Our hearts were filthy with a love for worldly things.
But God, in His loving kindness, looked down at us and said, "no."
At first we were shocked like Miller was when I said "no" about the cheeto.
Then reality sank in, and we began to pitch a total fit! We wailed. We kicked our feet. We fell on the floor.
And God just kneeled down, smiling.
We ran from Him. We ran around trying to make sense of it. Trying to understand. We tried to "figure" it out on our own.
Still crying, we poked our head around the corner and we began to run back to Him. We climbed in His lap. We cried. He kissed.
And as He loved on us, we realized that we actually LIKE being dependent on Him. We were glad He had told us "no." We were thankful that He began cleaning our "orange cheeto" hands. We were glad He was cleaning our hearts and everything we had touched. He is slowly replacing our love for the world with a love for Him... And it is good! Still hard, but good!
I would never deny Miller the things he needs and I am a sinful parent. But I will deny him things he "wants."
God is teaching us that He is a perfect father. He will say "yes" some and He will say "no" some. But always, whatever He says... I can trust that it is best! I need only to sit in His lap.
Life is good again. We need only Him.
I will posts a few more blogs on our budget and ways that we have "survived" living on a budget!